Why Me? It's not fair!

Because someone has to get it, that's why!

I've tried to avoid the whole "why me?", "it's not fair!" thoughts since being diagnosed with this shitty disease, but lost my fight today. I had my moment of self pity, and will persevere.

My surgery date has now been postponed until August 24th since they are ordering me a special expander which will hopefully mitigate the need to have another surgery later to replace it with an implant - it will be my implant. Physicians are also going on vacations...hence we end up in August. (Note, don't ever get sick/cancer in the summertime in Winnipeg, this is vacation time). I'm happy with the new date since it will now allow me to enjoy a large portion of the summer, but there is that nagging little voice that questions if I should be happy with having to wait an entire month more. It could make the difference on having to have radiation/chemo in the end. Dr. H. said today that there is a very good chance that I will need to have radiation at the end of this since there has been a link between the younger the patient is, and the size of the tumor. In which case I have 2 X's against me. It would be nice to get on with it, have the surgery sooner, but it is what it is.

For anyone who has never faced this, I think that it would be difficult to understand the overwhelming sadness I feel at losing my breast. It really feels like a form of advanced mourning for the dreaded loss of a great friend! Yes, I am getting reconstructive surgery, but my breast won't be at all the same. It's not the reconstructive type assoc. with breast implants that increases a woman's self-esteem, and allows them to be more confident, and "sexy". The word "patch" was used today to describe what the outcome will be after the surgery. I am going to have a "patch" on my breast. The "new" skin will not be the same colour, or texture since they will be taking it from my back. I can't fathom the thought yet of what this will look like, and feel somewhat horrified that I will be losing the soft supple breast, that I've grown to love. Ironic as it is, I do however recognize that the purpose of this reconstructive surgery is to provide me with confidence & return my self-esteem post-mastectomy by providing me with a breast where there may not have otherwise been one before all this magical, wonderful work that these surgeons do.

To all my friends who are so wonderfully supportive - yes, I know that at least I'm still going to be around, and healthy at the end of it all, and I'm extremely grateful for that. I know that it's difficult to find the words and know what to say to me at this time. But here's the truth of what I feel. This disease is taking something from me. A part of my womanhood, a friend that I love, my breast, and I will forever have a scar to remind me this. THIS SUCKS, ROYALLY!

F--- Cancer!