Friends & Angels

I've kept myself so busy during the last month that I unfortunately didn't find the time to blog. I've had several ideas about what I've wanted to write, so please bear with me if I end up rambling...

I've had some great conversations with some fantastic people over the last few weeks, who are in my mind, nothing but Angels. These Angels come in may forms, males/females, friends, family, acquantances. They are the people that have either always been there, or who have just recently become a part of my life, but they are all beginning to define my life. They offer great advice, make me know that they're there for me unconditionally at any time, they help me feel good about myself, and what I'm up against, all while being realistic about what I'm about to face. I'm discovering how important it is for me to surround myself with positive people that I can depend on, that provide me with the energy that I'm going to need to get through this. It's always been a struggle and difficult for me to open up, and ask for help. It's unfortunate how it takes a crisis such as this for myself to realize that it's alright to reach out, ask for help, and to tell people what I need at any given moment, especially during the such an incredibly difficult time. Now that I've started, I feel more positive than ever about what I am facing and the outcome. The more I confide in people, and let them "in", the better I feel inside. Is it possible for a heart to grow?? Of course it is!

I've always felt that I don't want to burden people with my problems, that they have their own to deal with, they don't need to add me to the mix. THE MOST DIFFICULT thing for me to date, has been asking for help - letting people know what it is that I need. So here it is... I need for you all to know that the purpose of this blog first and foremost was to let you all know in a mass way how I'm doing, what's been happening with appointments, how I'm feeling day to day post surgery, (I don't expect it all to be great). It doesn't mean that I don't want people to call, email, check up on me. Quite the opposite. If I'm feeling really shitty on a particular day, I hope that you will be able to do something to make it better. Unless I blog that I don't want to see anyone, you need to know that I need you now more than ever! On a consistent basis, irregardless of how I'm doing, I need to know that I'm loved, and that I'm not alone...(a difficult thing for cancer patients to get past, since really, unless you've been there, it would be difficult to understand how this feeling of aloneness comes about). I'm open to any form of affection you choose...making me laugh, email hugs, real hugs, kisses, holding my hand, just dropping in for a chat, helping with the kids, laundry, food,(even though Lisa's going to be extremely strict with the visiting and helper spreadsheet...).kidding... whatever form works for you works for me, as long as I know you're thinking good thoughts for me, sending me your positive energy, you are an Angel.

It occurred to me that I should let you know that laughing is so important to me. I have had some great laughs about the cancer, and in general over the last couple of months. I am so more than open with jokes and trying to make light of the situation. It sucks, yes. It feels damn good to just kick it in the ass and make fun of it though! I'm the one that is going to have the last laugh!

So all else aside, I'm getting nervous about the upcoming big day. I need to go to the hospital for a sentinal node injection on Monday afternoon, (they inject dye into my lymph nodes in my armpit) so that they can take a sample during surgery on Tuesday to see if the cancer has spread. That is when it all begins. My surgery is scheduled for 7:30 a.m. on Tues. morning, and I need to be at the hospital at 6 a.m. I usually only get up that early in the morning for a wonderful trip down South for crying out loud!!! Can I envision going down to a tropical paradise as they are putting me asleep? Good thing they are going to be putting me asleep for over 7 hours, I'm going to need it after waking up that early!!!! What I need for you all to do for me on the day of my surgery is NOT to worry! Just think positive thoughts on this day, and I will come through in the best of circumstances. I will know when I wake up, that I had Angels looking out for me!

And Thank You to my very special Angel that refuses to leave me on that day, who will be sending me all the positive energy in her being! Lisa, you're awesome!

Thank you all for checking in, and having the patience for me to write another blog. This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life....

Love, Jill xo