Insomnia, Again

Insomnia...again. When will this go away??? I'm told that sleep heels, but I just can't do it! Too many thoughts going through my brain, combined with how physically uncomfortable it is to sleep right now. I haven't managed a good sleep in months now. This sucks.

8 days post surgery, and here I am finally updating my blog. Most of you already know what I am about to blog about, but I'm going to put it out there anyhow.

Last week, Tues. Aug. 24th, I had a mastectomy peformed on me, during which time Dr. Mac took a sample of my lymph nodes. While still in surgery, the pathology of those results came back, and it turns out that the cancer is now invasive. This meant that Dr. Mac had to remove all my lymph nodes in my left armpit. I was overwhelmed with grief when informed post-surgery of this finding, which I'm told now means that I will need chemo followed by radiation.

That first night in the hospital was brutal! Thanks to one of my Angels, my sister Jackie, I made it through that difficult night. It turned out to be a wonderful sister bonding experience, for which I will always be grateful, thank you Jackie, I love you! The next day, I was more determined than ever to get my ass out of the hospital, so I jumped at every opportunity to prove my independence. By the end of the afternoon, I was walking, had my catheter removed and I was weened from the morphine, and began the T3's. By the next morning, they no longer had any reason to keep me there, and I was subsequently discharged, a day early! Yay! No better feeling than going home.

I came home with 3 drains, (they collect all the excess fluid that accumulates at the surgery site), and have now shed 2 of 3 as of today. What an awesome feeling. Carrying these things around is like carrying a delicate baby around, but not nearly as enjoyable. You have to always make sure you know where they are, and that you don't leave them behind... Things are uncomfortable right now, but it's manageable. Everyday things like getting changed, washing, take twice as long, but I'm getting used to the pace. One of the most difficult things I'm finding is the inability to interact/play with the kids, and I think it might be affecting them a little. Just reading a bedtime story for Kyan tonight, took a lot of energy, and I became short of breath, and my chest hurt, I couldn't finish the story for him. I'm tired a lot, but that's got to be the insomnia. If I could just get a solid sleep, I'm sure that I'd be in better condition.

When I'm in the company of my many friends and family that have been so wonderful to visit me during my hospital stay, and at home, I'm taken away from the discomfort of it all. Thank you all for being there for me! And thank you so much to everyone who has kept me in their thoughts, and sent all their positiveness my way! I'm sure that contributed to my early discharge from the hospital.

So chemo, yes I'm scared, one can only be so brave... I know that many of you have commented that I'm strong, and I'll kick this. I know that I will, and I thank you for the positive words of encouragement. Please remember though that my strength comes from you! My Angels, who are showing me that they are there for me unconditionally, it is you that gives me the strength to fight this, you are feeding me, so please don't stop, and it's never too late to start. Words cannot express how grateful I am for all that you have done for me. Lisa, thank you for the spreadsheet, making sure that I have the support I need mentally & physically during these weeks post-surgery. And thank you for being at the hospital for me for 15+ hrs on the day of my surgery, you are such a special friend that I'm so thankful to have in my life, I love you. A special thanks to my mother-in-law, Donna, for being there for the family for the last week, you helped out tremendously, feeding & entertaining the kids, taking me to appts, dressing me etc.

I'm currently awaiting the complete pathology report which will determine the stage of cancer, and how aggressive they want to treat it. This will determine the treatment schedule that I will likely begin in 4-6 weeks from now.

I'm trying some relaxation techniques to help me sleep, which have been working sometimes. Tonight, they are not, therefore I'm finally writing this overdue blog.

Thanks for checking in, you are Positivelly Awesome!

Love, Jill xo