A Puddle of Emotions

Aside from a bit of nausea for a day following my last chemo, I have been doing relatively well physically. The reason for my nausea, was that I prematurely stopped taking my anti-emetics, believing that I didn't need them. Wrong! I won't be doing that again. Thankfully that feeling subsided, and only lasted a day. I managed to stay away from the gym that week post chemo, but thankfully got right back at it this week. I do find that my body just can't handle the same amount of exertion it used to. Monday was really tough at the gym, and I found myself taking a lot of breaks, trying to catch my breath. It could be related to being slightly anemic, low hemoglobin. I did find my workouts improved thoughout the week. Still more tired than normal, and I understand that I will feel this way for quite sometime, so I better just get used to it, and listen to my body.

I finished my Neupogen injections on Tuesday. They went well, no ill effects, and Shannon was able to give me the injections in my tricep, which I think is better than the abdomen. It stings a little at the start, but by slowing the injection down, and through a bit of massaging while doing it, it's not so bad.

I'm looking forward to my sister Sheila coming to visit me for my next treatment in December. It will be a fun-filled chemo, as I have many friends interested in joining as well.

So that's the physical side of what's happening with me, then there's the emotional side, which is a whole other thing. Warning, please do not read any further if you are not prepared to hear about me not being strong, and actually, feeling quite the opposite. Vulnerable, and sad. What I'm about to write is not meant to shock anyone, or have anyone feel bad about themselves, this is not about you. It's a bit personal, and has to do with specific events that have occured that have led to feelings of overwhelming sadness, sprinkled with a bit of self-pity. I'm not quite sure how to label my feelings right now. As a very good friend of mine pointed out yesterday, it's easy for people to see me as strong. That I can put on a pretty brave face. I wake up every morning now, put my makeup and wig on, dress nice, (this all makes me feel good), and go about my day with a smile on my face. Because of this, what people tend to forget sometimes is that I'm going through something that is pretty shitty to say the least. Yes, the cancer that I also deal with on the inside every day that I wake up. For the most part, I am as ok as I can be about this. I am winning the fight, and carrying on with my life as best as I can. And as I mentioned in older blogs, this is because of the wonderful people in my life, that do not let me forget that they love me, who are walking along my side during my battle.

Yesterday was right up there with one of the most emotional days I have had post my diagnosis. I cried a lot, and was visibly sad as Glen pointed out, saying that he hates to see me so sad. My sadness is deep rooted because I am passionate about my friendships, and have been let down by one I thought was real. This is where my self-pity rears it's ugly head. I didn't expect it yesterday, but it came from the moment I awoke, and stayed with me all day until I was finally able to close my eyes at night, which took great effort. I almost had to take a sleeping pill again for this to happen. It's a pretty difficult thing I imagine for some to understand what's turning my insides out. It is the inability of 'people' or 'persons' to remove themselves from their shoes and try mine on, to envision what a situation may look like from my perspective, all while trying to take into consideration the fragile state I may be coming from. I admit it, I'm ultra sensitive right now. And I believe that most everyone close enough to me understands this, and are there to support this, and see me through the good times, and the not so good. I do have some expectations from my friends. For them to want to be there through the shitty stuff, to awknowledge my feelings, listen, and try at the very least to see things through my eyes, especially when I ask them to. I like to think that for someone who claims to care, they would make this effort. I have been communicative, I have put my heart out there, and to have someone turn around my feelings, make it about them, and knowingly hurt me as a result, crushes me. I'm fighting for my life right now, struggling everyday with all that cancer brings. I ask myself why would someone I considered a good friend not want to help bring me to a good place and instead choose to cause me heartache? It should be simple, you choose to be there for someone unconditionally during challenging times, or you choose not to, no in between. It's much easier to include than exclude, especially when someone is in need. I'm so confused with myself, how I let this get me so down, only because I have so many wonderful friendships in my life. I think it's just because I believe so much in people, that makes it unbelievable to me how people who claim to love you wouldn't want to make your life easier if they had the power to.

On the upside of all of this, I do have so many beautiful girlfriends that recognized where I was coming from yesterday, and made themselves available as a shoulder to cry on. Beautiful, wonderful friends, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love that you recognized and took the iniative to talk me through my feelings, let me cry and get it out and also try to distract me for some time from my feelings. You are such caring, wonderful women. And thank you Glen for putting up with my demeanor yesterday, I know that it isn't easy for you to see me like that either. In addition to the friends whom have always been there for me unconditionally, the good news is that I've had many old friendships resurface, and I have gained some new ones, all so tremendously supportive. It's amazing how life works in such wonderful ways!

"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom" Marcel Proust

Jill xo