The Ride of my Life

This blog was orinally composed on January 11th, and has been collectiong cyber dust for some time...finally ready to post.

Hang on because it's a wild ride!  Life living with cancer has been like riding a roller coaster for me.  There are definite highs, when I feel invincible, on top of the world, and within a second, the pit of my stomach drops out from under me, my heart starts pounding through my chest, I feel sick, and am left feeling confused.  This ride I'm on is not only experienced by myself, the patient, but friends and family as well.  Not an easy ride, but one that needs to be taken in order to get to the final goal, cancer-free.  It's those special very special angels that commit to riding on the roller coaster with me that make it tolerable. I know that it's a roller coaster for all of you as well, thank you for not getting off, and sticking with it. It's always difficult to know what the next corner will bring, especially on the all so emotional side.  There are different analogies I've heard recently, and another that I love, is a from someone special who is also in for the ride of her life, who compared it to a Safari.  Whatever way we describe it, it's real, and it's ongoing.

It's natural and common to think that going through this journey is all about how the patient is handling their meds, and if they've been sick.  Questions always surface and centre around how one is doing physically.  "How are you handling the meds?"  "Have you been sick?"  And when the response is "no, I haven't been sick, I'm feeling well
physically, getting to the gym most everyday", the assumption therefore is that if I look great, and I'm not sick, that everything must be good.  What lies beneath, that people tend not to think about, or in fairness know about, or perhaps feel comfortable discussing is the HUGE psychological component that comes with the diagnosis and treatment of cancer, that is ongoing.  Cancercare Manitoba has a Psychosocial Department that is dedicated to helping patients with the emotional side of cancer.  They offer so many incredible resources, that it would be difficult to find one that couldn't address some of one's needs.  I myself have taken advantage of the support group for "Young Women with Breast Cancer",  and have an eye on a couple of others, to help me calm my mind.  In talking with a
social worker who has worked with cancer patients for many years now, she further informed me that there are different challenges that face younger cancer patients, whereby friendships and relationships seem to play out differently in what she's been told by patients. This may be an area that needs to be further explored and understood since there is a growing number of young people, young women facing breast cancer with their own children & families or that are trying to conceive, all life events they need to juggle with while dealing with having cancer. I'm seriously contemplating going back to university to investigate this further, write a thesis, and start to help younger people with this struggle, since I see a definite gap and need in this area. For instance, there is a nanny network avail in most larger centers in Canada, but not Winnipeg thus far that offers a free service for women with breast cancer, appropriately titled the Angel Nanny Network. I just know how very fortunate I've been to be in a position to have this support myself, thus allowing me to take better care of myself physically, and spiritually as well. There is also the other side of this where many young women are in their child-bearing years that are being told that they may never be able to have children. And if at all possible, they need to wait 5 years until all their meds are done. So difficult. All examples of when Angles in all walks of life are needed, it's such an emotional ride when your in your 20's and 30's & 40's, in the prime of your life. The older one gets when they are diagnosed with this disease, the more likely they can focus on just themself, kids out of the house, deeper relationships have had time to forge whereby it becomes a right of passage to stand by your friend or partner. I'm sure there are an entire different set of concerns of course, still your children, (always will be), grandchildren... But let's face it, there isn't a much busier time in one's life than in their thirties when establishing marriages, babies, kids, careers, relationships, taking care of your own ailing parents even...

So why am I writing about this right now?  Well, because I often do not know what to say to people when they ask me how I'm doing.  The easy way to answer that question is just to relate to the physical side of having cancer.  The side I'm handling extremely well.  But on the days or in the moments where the pit of my stomach has dropped down to my knees, i want to say more but I don't feel that it's expected, or that I'm allowed to say that the emotional side of it is momentarily taxing me.  I feel people are not prepared or want to hear about feelings...who talks about feelings??? So long as you're not physically ill, what does the rest matter?  That if I'm doing well physically, the expectation is that I must be doing well overall.  My support group had discussed the stress of the expectation to always be positive, and it's impact on them, since this can be a very difficult feat to achieve.  One cannot always be positive during this journey.  In fact, at the Guardian Angel Benefit For Women's Cancer, the main message by the keynote speaker, Libby Znaimer, journalist & author of "In Cancerland - Living Well is the Best Revenge", was that the pressure is off to be continually positive in order to win against cancer.  Wow, imagine that! I am fortunate that I have many Angels I can go to in these moments, and do recognize that it is so difficult for another to imagine what it's like for me, what it's like to live with cancer every day and remain as optimistic as possible. I just want to thank you so very much for listening to me without judgement as crazy as I may be some days, for the hugs, and providing me with the emotional support I've need more of during this journey. Thanks for having my back.

Physically, this week, has been for the first time challenging.  I've been experiencing muscle and joint pain, which is related to the new drug I'm taking, called Docetaxal (taxetere).  It's thrown me for a loop, because I've been unsure if was due to a difficult workout at the gym the next morning, or whether or not I'm fighting a virus, which seems to be tornado spinning out of control, taking down everyone in it's path around me.  I've taken it pretty easy as a result, trying to get more rest than usual.  My taste buds are also going a little wonky on me, coffee is more bitter than usual, and wine is tasting more acidic, (sacrilege!).

Emotionally, I'm better this week.  What I neglected to blog about last week, was a
breaking point for me where I questioned if I really wanted to finish my chemo treatments or even start radiation.  I felt like I was starting chemo all over again, with the added
concern about what laid ahead for me with the new medicine, I found myself asking why am I putting myself through all of this?  I felt so unbelievably great during my ski trip, I just wanted to keep that feeling alive.  I didn't want to return to the coping mode, dealing with chemo brain - not processing information with a clear mind, being paranoid about getting sick.  In the midst of all of this, time had slowed right down for me.  I began to feel like I was never going to be the same.  Well the reality is, I never will be the same.  I needed to accept the "new me".  I've accepted the physical side of my new body, and now I need to accept that I will forever be a changed person.  Of course I would like to think for the better.  So after some soul searching, digging deep within myself, I decided to forge ahead with the next half of my chemo. I'm still extremely apprehensive about the radiation, will blog about those feelings as that part of my journey gets closer, just one day at a time for now.

It was only within a day of this decision to continue with my treatments that I was inspired by a pure, lovely angel who is herself extremely motivational and positive.  She helped me to see that by blogging about my feelings, and sharing my experiences, that I am having a positive impact on others that are going through various journeys in their lives. That I'm helping others perhaps not feel so alone, that this is not just a bullshit blog,lol! The purpose of this blog from the onset was meant as a place to share my feelings, my experiences on this path, some not always positive, so it meant a great deal to me to know that others out there may at some point have similar experiences, and that they may not feel so alone in theirs now through my ability to be so open and honest.  The timing of this woman's words of encouragement was all but surreal.  It's truly amazing how life hands you what you need just at the right time. She is the reason I finally decided to post this blog, I was apprehensive at first in the line of adversity.

This blog is dedicated to you Pam!  Thank you so much for encouraging me, and allowing me
to believe in myself.  You are beautiful! If you my friend reading this would like to be inspired, please visit Pam's blog @ www.frozenlemonz.blogspot.com You will be sure to be uplifted on a daily basis!

So here I am on the eve (or shall I say morning of) my 2nd last chemo. It's going to be a long one since they are introducing yet a new drug which always makes me nervous called hercepton. This is the drug that blocks the protein that was present which will further reduce the reoccurrence rate. This is not chemo. It's a drug that will be administered intravenously every 3 weeks for a year. Side effects may include chills while being administered, otherwise that should be all, cross my fingers.

Thanks once again to all my Angels who helped me struggle with the decision to continue with my chemo and not just run away from it all. I am going to continue to kick this cancer in the ass! Sooo many people to thank, I will need to address you all in a separate blog dedicated to you! More to come...

For you Pam, thanks for all your very kind and inspirational words! I am humbled.

I'll share a lesson i've been fortunate to learn throughout my journey;

"you'll see it does not matter the number of people in your life, it matters if you can count on those people" Pam King

Love Jill xo