The Dilemma

To celebrate, or not to celebrate? That is the question.  It was approximately a year ago that I was sitting around with some dear friends discussing what we would be doing in a year from that time.  Primarily, what we would be doing to celebrate our 40th birthdays.  How things have changed during this year, which I give pause to.  The only question at the time was where were we going to celebrate.  Mexico? Vegas? Dominican? Jamaica? Of course I haven't given it much thought since my diagnosis, since all that has come with it has been all encompassing.  Planning a getaway just wasn't in the cards, especially not knowing how the chemo would unfold.   Turning 40 just didn't seem all that much like a landmark anymore, just being alive to see it was going to be an accomplishment.

As the date soon approaches, I have had several people ask me what I want to do to celebrate.  I can tell you what I wanted to do, (go away as many of my friends have...), but that of course is not a reality.  My first thoughts had been that I don't much feel like celebrating this year...  What's there to celebrate when the cancer overshadows what was supposed to be an entirely different experience?  My thoughts have thankfully shifted over the last week, and I've decided to keep with my fighting attitude, and say f*c# you cancer, I'm going to celebrate with or without you, you can't take away the good things in my life, the health that I still have, and the ability to celebrate that comes with that.  Dilemma solved, the birthday is on!  Albeit, I will not be celebrating as I once envisioned, I will be celebrating all the same.  The timing will also be significant in that I will have just finished my very last chemo treatment, so I will have more to celebrate.  I'm told how important it is to celebrate the little milestones along this journey, so instead of being consumed with self-pity that I'm turning 40, and fighting this disease (which is easy to do....), I'm going to celebrate a future filled with fantastic friends, family and Angels!  Are you in?  Look for an invite soon to come!

On to other things... Post chemo #5, I've been feeling slightly fluish since last Thursday.  A bit of a headache, sore throat, and nausea.  It's not the flu, just an unfortunate side effect of the drugs.  I find that I've been eating more just to keep my stomach settled, which is the opposite to what you would think.  Not good for me keeping my weight in line.... My sweet tooth has also reared it's ugly head, and I'm enjoying the gastronomical experiences of deserts lately, ugh!  Or should I say yum?!  Weight gain in all seriousness, is definitely something that a large number of chemo patients experience.  Although I know that it is only temporary, it's something that the thought of really bothers me since I work out so hard at the gym typically, and it's frustrating to say the least that I can't keep up like I used to.

Otherwise all is well.  Trying to stay warm, dreaming of white sand, beaches, the sweltering sun, just like the rest of you crazy people who choose to live in Winterpeg!  It's inhuman indeed...

Oh, and, I miss my hair....

Jill xo